Heartbreak- To the Man I Loved and Lost

This is a very different post that you’ve ever seen me write before but I don’t care. You’ve seen me write about him before here on the blog and at the other two blogs that I write for: BeautyBrite and Shefluential.

It took me 36 years to finally find the love that I wanted, so I thought and I also ultimately lost that love. Even though it only lasted a year and a half, it was everything. We spent about 99.9% of that time together, except when we were working. But we always did have breakfast and lunch together while we were at work.

Right now I’m still in the aftermath of the breakup stages. The guilt, the confusion, the anger, the love, and the feeling of being lost. It’s so overwhelming.  Why though, because I’m the one that broke it off? Did the relationship suck? Absofuckinglutely not! We had our ups and downs.  Our ups to this day still make me smile and laugh and our downs were so stupid. We would fight/argue, then get back together because what we were arguing about was so stupid and almost always had tequila involved. Which right now, I’m writing as I drink tequila, so this may be way all over the place, but I’ll edit it at a later date. This is definitely the raw draft.

Writing this, I’m semi in the denial stage because, man these feelings and emotions are no joke! They just come in every different angle and at every different times. One moment I can only think of the great things we’ve done together and then other times the sadness of it all comes crashing in and I want nothing to do with him. My emotions are all over the place!

I mean, our first kiss was epic! Even though we’ve known each other since our very first base being stationed in the Air Force 18 years ago. The Eve of the New Year 2015, Harbor Docks in Destin, Fl. Technically, we didn’t kiss until a little after midnight because he ran off looking for one of our guy friends. I went to go look for him when the ball started to move and didn’t find him until I went back to the dock and he was there waiting for me. Just writing that made me smile but I know how the story ends so I’ll be back to the sappy me.

I will always cherish our first kiss. I actually have it photographed and he said later in our relationship that, that photo will be our Save the Date card.

FilipinaMacBarbie Love

I had this photo printed and framed for my office. I still have it but it’s in one of my drawers. I also have this photo of us when he went tdy to Texas and I went there for a week just to be with him. We spent everyday doing something different.

Seaworld Texas

I also took him to Dick’s Last Resort. I love this place!

True Love

We are both the most stubborn people, yet the most lovable people at the same time. He was my strength and weakness. But ultimately, I think that’s what drove us apart. Our stubbornness sinked in and we were just set in our ways. Only Lord knows how he stayed with me for so long and me with him. I put this man through so many tests. Why? In my own little messed up mind…I wanted to make sure this was the man who was going to be my One and Done. The guy that will not give up. But in the end, I just put him through so much that he finally had to decide that he couldn’t take it anymore and didn’t want to fight for us anymore. He’s the one that always fought for us.

Now, we both weren’t saints, but our love for each other was undeniable. But it took its toll.

I have so many fun and happy moments with him even with our other breakups.

He had his king sized bed here at my house and every time we would break up, he would get his friends truck and take his bed and go to his storage room to get mine and switch them out. Sometimes even super late at night. There were really no dull moments with us. I’m smiling and cracking up just writing that. During those times, I would just literally shake my head and say, “Here we go again.”

I’m actually glad that I’m writing this because it really is therapeutic.

This post will mostly be all over the place but the hell with it. It’s mine. My story and I’ll tell it like I want.

This man knows all my secrets but at the same time doesn’t know me because I guess I really didn’t convey to him or he didn’t know how to take that what I gave him was the undisclosed version of me. He sometimes said that I could get a very cold look in my eyes when I just didn’t want to argue. I shut everything out. I didn’t want to yell or talk. I was just in my little own world wishing he’d just leave me be. It’s not that I didn’t love him to fight but I know how I can get when I’m just so angry with something.

I’ve said some really terrible things to him that I never really meant at times. It was just my defense mechanism.  A totally jacked up way to do things but I can never go back in time now. What’s done is done. No turning back time but that was us.

We knew what spinned our wheels and we did it. But I know for a fact, that regardless what stupid arguments we had with each other, we never cheated. That was the thing that we said we would never do. I couldn’t even imagine doing that to him. His 6′ 2″ self knew he had me and I only wanted him. He was manly yet my soft bear. I felt nothing but safe in his arms.

There’s so much more to our story that there’s no way I could write it up all in one post. All I can say is that we had a lot of great times together and a lot of dumb immature times, especially at our age. He was my person. I told him everything. Well, almost everything…I told him everything about my past and present except that he made me the most vulnerable with. Someone that had so much control of my love and emotions.

I’m so proud of everything he’s accomplished while we were together. He’s remained the same yet changed so much at the same time, if that makes sense.

He will always have a little place in my heart until the day I die, I can’t just unmeet him. I’ll have a little dullness feeling in me until time has passed and I come to terms that, that man was not meant to stay in my life. I do know that every love is different and his love will never be forgotten. Replaced with the man that’s meant for me, but not forgotten.

I wish nothing but the best for the rest for our futures and the paths that it brings us.

Never take your loved ones for granted! Learn from my mistakes.

What have y’all been through in your breakup aftermath? How did y’all deal? Talk to me!

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About FilipinaMacBarbie

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  1. This brought me to tears. I’m so sorry! 🙁

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